An Open Letter

Dear ex daughter-in-law,

Selfish  is defined as "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others; characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives."

Faithful is defined as "true to one's word, promises, vows; steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; reliable, trusted, or believed."

User is defined as " a person or thing that uses something or uses others"

Self-centered  is defined as "concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical; centered in oneself or itself" The archaic meaning is " fixed; unchanging."

I give these definitions in the hopes that you will see yourself in them and try to correct your actions and thinking.

When I met you, I liked you. I thought you were a good and kind person. I always look for the good in people. It is one of my biggest flaws. Even when it is evil looking me in the face, I still look for the good. I suppose that is where Star Wars influenced me. Even Darth Vader had good in him.

 You were staying with your best friend. That is how you met my son. While you were dating my son you also dated others and slept with them.  Your best friend warned my son and I about you. You denied it all of course.  What you never understood was that your best friend was in our lives long before you ever came along.  My son of course accepted your denial  and you moved into my home.

While you lived in my home, I got your respect and we talked about everything under the sun.   We even discussed your best friend. You even had me convinced that she was crazy. This continued until you and my son moved out into your own apartment.  Then the real you appeared.

You will never understand how I felt when he moved out. He is my oldest. He is my friend.  I never expected a daily phone call and I still don't expect them but you hindered my even seeing him. He never understood your anger when he did talk to me or see me.

You got married in a lovely ceremony performed by one my oldest friends in your parents home. I told you then, that you had my son's heart and that if you ever broke it, you would answer to me.

"For this cause, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, and the man and his wife were both naked, and they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)"  This is what you expected. He would never have anything else to do with his family.

I hate to break it to you but The word “leave” from the biblical text means to “forsake dependence upon.” It means to turn your allegiance away from your parents toward your spouse.  My son was never dependent  upon his parents when he married you. He had a job and supported you. That does not mean for him to stop loving his family.

As time went on you pushed me away even more. You divided what could have been a good relationship between both families. Your parents and our family. Instead you said I was trying to run your life. If I ever gave you any advice at all, it was just that. advice.  I rarely called and can count on one hand how many times I was ever at your house.  It is kind of hard to run your life when I do not see you or talk to you. I think in your mind you have me mixed up with your mother who does run your life.

When I found out you were pregnant, I was very happy. I thought it might calm you down about life in general and understand what it really meant to be mother. Boy was I ever wrong.

When my granddaughter was born, I was so happy. I know you did not want me in the delivery room and I really was ok with that until my other daughter-in-law was allowed in there. My son put his foot down and I watched my granddaughter being born. It was one of the happiest days of my life.   It brought both families closer. At least I thought so. Everyone hugged after she was born and we all got to hold her.

Then it came time for godparents to be picked. While it was your decision to make, I had one trepidation on the godfather you chose.  I am also confused as to why you picked him.  It was your choice.  Yours and my sons.  I am thankful for his involvement early on though. He talked some sense into you. Looking back I figured you only went along with it though because you were not allowed to drive. You used him and me.  I went with you to the pediatrician. Our family pediatrician. The same one my sons went to. It was a good sign I thought.

For a few months life was good for everyone. We enjoyed the new bundle of joy.  You went to work and had a free baby sitter in my mom. She watched her other granddaughter so you figured she could watch your child.   I saw my granddaughter when I visited my mom. I never came to your house to see her except when it was her first birthday.  I spoke to you briefly when I saw you at my mothers. I rarely talked to my son.

You continually used the free babysitting even when you were not working anymore.  You never told my mother that though. You continued using your free babysitter every day.  Apparently being a mother was not all cracked up to be what you thought it was going to be. Some of the comments you made to a crying baby were just shocking to me. You smacked her bottom when she was crying and made her cry even more. I took her from you and walked to the kitchen at my mothers to get her calmed down. When my son was around you were the loving mother.  I think it is all for show.  

I had heard rumors that you were sleeping with someone else. I was also told that my son was not the father of his firstborn.  I did not want to believe it. I truly thought you loved my son. 

Then I found out that you lost your job because you could  not keep your mouth shut and swore at a customer without muting the phone. They fired you and rightfully so.  I told my mother that you were not working.  You quit using her because you had been found out. The look on your face when we confronted you was priceless

The world ended for me when my son joined the Marines. I was proud of him and fearful at the same time. He got through boot camp and school. Then the dreadful news came that he was heading to Afghanistan.  

You moved to Rolla. Taking my granddaughter with you. You moved in with your parents instead of being the adult and raising your daughter, you let your parents take over. So within the space of six months I lost both of them.  The only time I saw my granddaughter was when you came to St. Louis and wanted something.

Once he joined the military though, you never made a house payment.  You did not care if you ever moved back into that house.  You expected to live with your parents for the rest of your life or at least have my son live in Rolla.

When I heard from my son or got a phone call from the base phone tree, I sent an email to everyone. You got mad because I did this. It included your parents. You said it made you look like a bad person because you should be the one to tell everyone. So I removed you and your parents from the email list and continued on. You never once told his friends or family what was going on. 

I know how you felt when he left. I know because his father was in the Navy. I was happy that he talked to his family. If he only had one call he could make, I was not upset that he called his parents. They called me to let me know he was ok. We wrote letters and I sent packages and he sent home gifts.  They have deployment classes that you never took advantage of. You could have done them at Fort Leonard Wood. They had them because their soldiers were heading over there too.

When my son returned home, you moved to California. My son called me more from there than he ever did the rest of your marriage.

In the meantime, the rumor mill continued about you and your sleeping around . I started paying attention and asking questions about when this happened. What I discovered was that you cheated on my son before and during the marriage while you lived in St. Louis.  The evidence was mounting. I still kept my mouth shut.

You found out you were pregnant before his last deployment. I was happy for both of you. I kept thinking that perhaps two kids would stop your idiocy. I was still wrong.  I heard rumors again about this deployment and your actions.  Military wives are vicious. They do not condone someone cheating. You had your parents move you back to Rolla.

When my son was gone on the last deployment, you made sure I was not on the phone tree anymore. You NEVER once emailed, called or talked to anyone about what was going on with my son. I only knew about where he was because of the Marine Battalion website, his phone calls and our Skype time. At least I had that. I watched him sleep when we were finished with Skype because he left it on.  

My son came home and missed his daughter's birth by 10 days because he could not get leave until the entire unit came home. That was his job.  You did not care though.  In your mind the marriage was already over. What I did not know until he came home was that a bullet missed his head by inches. He brought it home. You didn't even know that. You would have been happier if he was dead because you would have gotten his social security for the rest of your life and your daughters would each get money. You would never have to work again.  You would never have to deal with anyone in his family. Unless you needed to use them for something.

I picked him up at the airport. I came with him and his friends to see my new granddaughter.   I fell in love at first site. She looks just like David. So I just knew all the people who said you cheated were wrong.  You found an apartment for David to move into. A 3 bedroom.  He moved in and the rest of the furniture and boxes were delivered there.  We all assumed you were moving back in together.  You never lived there.

Then the bombshell hit. You asked him for a divorce.  Your reason was because he got out of the military. Excuse me? What the hell kind of reason is that? Did he beat you? Did he belittle you? Did he hurt the kids? Those are reasons if they happened. Getting out of the military is not a reason. That is an excuse.  I hate to break the news to you but, my son was not allowed to reenlist.  I saw the paperwork.  When you finally showed up to go through the boxes and to take what you wanted you saw it too. Did it change your mind? No. So your reason for wanting a divorce is not that at all. You have found someone else. We all know it. Your daughter let that slip out.

During this entire divorce you have been unbelievably antagonistic towards my son. You have tried to withhold his children from him. Oh he could only have one of them but not both. But he said he made an agreement with you that until she turned one, then youngest would stay with you and he would see her there in Rolla. This still does not happen. She is almost 2. We were able to see her there. And we did. When you came to St. Louis we had to endure your presence as a supervisor because you never let my son have his youngest daughter alone. You got mad because both of your daughters love me and their dad.

There are some people who do not understand what it means to be a parent. You are one of these people.  You may not love the father  or mother of your children and that is ok. That does not make him any less of a father. It does not make you any less of a mother. That fierceness that will make you protect your child is within both of you.

I have a website for you. Since you never took the parenting class required by the courts during your divorce. It is about putting kids in the middle and you being selfish.

 http://helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm

It took a year. But your are finally divorced. Now we do not have to endure your presence anymore where either grandchild is involved. We can just enjoy them. I am not sorry that the judgment did not go your way and that the judge felt that my son has rights. I am  also not sorry that you will not be able to see your daughters except on weekends during the summer and that their father has them all summer including the oldest grandchild's birthday every year. Pity that you only get 2 weeks exclusively during the summer.  Here is a news flash for you. The world does  not revolve around you anymore. It revolves around your children. I suggest that you grow up and figure this out. 

I suggest you remember what I told you when you married my son. If you break his heart you will answer to me. This will be my revenge to you.  Your children already love me. I intend to spend as much time as I can with them.  They will always remember me. Even when I am gone. You will know that I am special in their eyes when they say they miss me. You will know that I was loved by them.  You will know that they had a relationship with their grandmother that you cannot stand. They even will have one with my mother. The one who you cannot stand either but had no problem using. 

Know this, if you or anyone else ever touches my granddaughters in any way that is unacceptable or inappropriate, I will come for you and even though I will not look good in prison orange, please know that it would be worth it in the end.  

In the end, I know you are just a Cannot Understand Normal Thinking type of person. Read the letter of those capitalized words. I cannot stress it enough. That is how you are listed in my phone. That is the only name I can call you. You have earned the title. Your lying, cheating ways can continue with someone else.